of things.
We talked about how one of her friends has cancer now and how she
feels like she an invisible disability.
We talked about how anti-depressants never worked for her, and she
said it was because she isn't depressed.
We talked about how she feels more pity for her friend than for my
father, and that she lost all trust for my father when she found
him looking at pornography.
We talked about how I think she dismisses whatever psychiatrists
and psychologists by criticizing them or using their flaws to not
listen to what they have to say.
We talked about how she thinks the two problems she has are my
father and finding a new job after she was fired from her last one.
Those are not the only two problems my mother has. Some of her
other ones are alcoholism and manic-depression. My mother is in
very deep denial about things we all know to be true, but never
talk to her about. It is only when I really think about this fact
that it seems strange and dishonest to constantly keep silent to
her about the problems she has which we all recognize but have
silently agreed never to address.
Sometimes I wonder if she knows that we are constantly keeping
things from her, that we no longer acknowledge her as a human being
completely in control of herself anymore.
I think that would hurt more than anything, if she really knew that
we all talked about her behind her back, that we discussed all the
things that were wrong with her and what a horrible person she
sometimes is.
At least she has excuses for her behaviour, but what are our
justifications? How can we go about living in complicity with
things we know are wrong but never confront them? How can I feel
like letting things slide further and further along a path I know
leads in further depression and possibly suicide and feel like I am
a good person, let alone a good son?
How can I accept that there is no right path out of this, and that
things may never improve, and that my mother could die like this,
without ever escaping?
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